Lifetime Planner

Lifetime Planner

One of the drawbacks of having an interesting life is that it's over too fast. Life in prison is not something I aspire to, but it does give new meaning to the phrase "Jeez, will this week ever end?"


I know going to prison is not an option for most of you (apologies, if I've misjudged you), so here's another tip to slow down the aging process: Stay away from babies. Anytime you see a baby, someone will say, "Before you know it, that kid will be in high school." For me, that means I'll be 77 "before I know it." (Do your own math.) I don't care if kids grow up fast, but why do they have to drag me along with them?


Recently, I tried to find a way to make the next 45 years go slower. Unfortunately, the plan has backfired. For example, assuming I live to the ripe old age of 100, I still have left.


70 Dental Cleanings: Gee, that's not very many. And I really like my hygienist. Maybe I'd better cut back on flossing.


10 Root Canals: At four a decade, that doesn't leave me many left. I'd better treasure every moment.


130 Oil Changes: This is really depressing. At ten minutes a change, I only have six hours left sitting in Jiffy Lube. And so many magazines unread.


3 Colonoscopies: My doctor recommends one every ten years. That means I have only three left. I think I'll cancel the one on my 90th birthday. That seems extravagant.


2,560 Sunday NY Times: This I like. It takes me forever to do that puzzle. And I've still got 2,559 to go.


720 Haircuts: My barber, Buddy, says I need a haircut twice a month. He also says that the more hair I lose, the more haircuts I need. This is great news . . . for Buddy.


3 Beagles: Beagles live 15 years. The most I could possibly squeeze in would be three more. Ever had a beagle? Three more is plenty.


30 Visits to Mom: I visit my Mom once a year in New York. This leaves me 30 visits home. When I told my mother this, she got very angry. "So, you'll let your 120-year-old mother sit and wait 12 months without seeing you." Gee, I never thought of it that way. I'm going to try to get home twice a year from now on.


Well, that's it. One final word of advice: Stay away from those mail-order Japanese knives. They have a lifetime guarantee. And you're on your last set.