Milking Your Investments

Milking Your Investments

For those of you who are not savvy with financial matters, you can't just willy-nilly buy a stock. Every person has different needs, and not every stock is right for every person. The same is true for milk. You can learn a lot about stocks from milk. That's right, MILK.

I see people making egregious milk errors all the time. They make no distinction between 1%, 2%, whole, and skim. I saw someone the other day sipping 1% out of a straw while eating a Little Debbie's cake. Where was this guy raised? Probably not on a farm, where dairy farmers still rue the day that someone wanted to skim the cream off the top of their milk and sell it in a compromised state.

Many people nowadays pick one kind of milk and stick with it. They drink it with everything. I'm getting queasy just talking about it. I call it the homogenization of America. And it's just the beginning of a slippery slope. Continue this and someday we'll all be put out to Pasteur.

In my house, we keep all four types of milk in the fridge, and I've established some very strict rules about what goes with what. I would no more let my son drink 1% with a Fig Newton than I would drink a Miller Lite with a Twinkie, or Budweiser with a spinach souffle. I have no patience for people who don't understand this. I'm lactose intolerant.

Since no one else has stepped forward, allow me to be your milk maven, providing a blueprint for your future selection of milk. If you've gone through life thinking that one milk fits all, I'm going to change all that. You're going to owe me big time.

Whole: Recommended for newborn babies who need a high fat content and adults with a full bag of Oreo cookies or a plate of brownies

2%: For Rice Krispies, Shredded Wheat, Corn Flakes, and Total; goes with Pop Tarts, peanut butter sandwiches, Fig Newtons, ginger snaps, oatmeal cookies, and Little Debbie anything; also to lighten coffee.

1%: On Sugar Pops, Sugar Smacks, Fruit Loops, Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes, or to guzzle right from the bottle.

Skim: As a shampoo, to remove wine and blood stains; not recommended for human consumption.

That's it for this month. Look at all you've learned about investing and milk. I expect you to hang this on the fridge. You'll be glad you did.